I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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