That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I looked at my own cervix.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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