I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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