Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
