Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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