You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
