my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
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Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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