Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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