Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
