I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
