he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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