my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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