Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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