i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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