Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I met the friendliest cop last night
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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