Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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