Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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