So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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