just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
