I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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