This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
