I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
