I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
