I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
