This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
