He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
