I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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