Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
