Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There's always time for handjobs
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
