sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
