seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So squirting runs in the family.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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