Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
