He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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