Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
