i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
