You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
