dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
