Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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