I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
