We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
