why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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