There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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