Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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