My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
