And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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