My balls are so social today.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
