Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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