I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
