Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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