So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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