She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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