Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
