Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My ATM looks so different sober.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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