My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
