i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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