Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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